If you updated your WhatsApp within the last month or so, you would know about the privacy policies Facebook just added which allows your information to be shared on Facebook. This is not necessari…
Hi guys, don’t think I have posted here in years no thanks to that popular micro-blogging site which allows you type shit under 140 characters. Didn’t have a nice title for the post &#…
Hi guys, don’t think I have posted here in years no thanks to that popular micro-blogging site which allows you type shit under 140 characters. Didn’t have a nice title for the post …However, today I wanna share a story with you guys. A story too cool for 140 strokes of the keyboard. True story or fiction? You decide…
I usually hitch a ride with my flatmate to work. He drops me close to my office, so I walk the rest of the way or take a keke when I’m extremely lazy. On this day, I saw a colleague in traffic and decided to switch cars in the middle of traffic. We were at a traffic stop anyway so I decided to get down in the middle of the road, because many are mad but few are roaming.Yesterday I was part of the few that roamed.
I am still trying to figure out what came over me but I am sure it wasn’t the Holy Spirit because the Spirit comes with a gift of discernment. I did not discern anything o! I came out the vehicle like a conductor in pursuit of a fleeing passenger who hadn’t paid his gbese and ran across the traffic laden road. Did I mention there was a pedestrian bridge just above me? Mid race, I looked across the road and saw several KAI officers punishing some dude like…
I knew I don fuck up. I couldn’t run back cos the car that I dropped swiftly from had zoomed off. About 12,000 great officers of KAI (Kick Against Indiscipline) were waiting for me on the other side of the road like:
What do you do when you find yourself in a situation such as this? I knew I have entered my own today, so I decided to be a good Nigerian and admit to my offence and plead for forgiveness. So I crossed the road and walked into the loving arms of a KAI official I picked out because she was female and you know I felt I could appeal to her femininity and charm her with my swag and sturvs, seeing that the others were men with strong faces (1st mistake). Little did I know that this woman was a THUG.
N.B: She is not injured. This is her real face. They call her One-eye Monsurah aka First Born One-eye Sunday
She shoved me into a mini prison with other traffic offenders looking like
and started counting the charges against me. The great officers of KAI, her other colleagues were observing the ensuing mêlée and didn’t interfere just yet. I just dey look am like, on top small express crossing o, I no kill anybody na.
1)
I begged in English. I pleaded to their humanity that I was a first time offender like: “Please, I appeal to your humanity. I am new to Lagos and didn’t realise that I had committed an offense until you beckoned upon me to bladibladibla. All fell on deaf ears…
2)
I switched to pidgin. “Abeg, I take God beg you, I just enter Lagos ma. Na interview I come do for here… I no get work, I no get money. Na pessin drop me for there now I say make I cross enter danfo here ma. Plis, epp ma.” She said: “you better settle us hia or na court get you and dat na 3 months imprisonment. 35000 Naira or jail straight!” In my mind I was like for this small road???
From no where, was as if I got full control of the 9 tailed Yoruba beast in me. First thing I did was make a call to a friend, telling him I’ve missed (a phantom) interview and I am about to go to jail for crossing the road with no money in my pocket, he might not see me for the next three months (fine for not using the pedestrian bridge in lagos is N8,847 or 3 months jail term). Asked him to tell my family n Ogbomoso that I’m going to jail. That was part one of my act. Part 2….I started crying, putting in a few Yoruba phrases for good measure (aye mi ti ba je, temi ba mi, ta ni mo se, etc) fall out handkerchief from my pocket and acted out my best Nkiru Sylvanus crying move.
My people the thing worked like magic…I mean, no one wants to see a grown ass man crying with many bukata…..i got released after 3 minutes of wailing like I was a member of Bob Marley’s band and shedding crocodile tears
Guess who didn’t pay one kobo or go to jail?
The end..
P.S. Ignore all grammatical errors
P.S.S…. I miss you guys, naaah. Just fucking with yall
Hi Guys, *dusting cobwebs and stoffs*. Been a minute since I put up any kinda post on my blog. It’s that time of the year again, I’m just gonna take a few minutes outta your lives.
Disclaimer:
This post is based on information gathered by me from the organizers of the event. All images were sourced from the internet and all grammatical errors are solely mine. If you spot any, blame it on GEJ. I wasn’t paid for this, I’m doing this for the love I have for the TED cause. I think I have lost my wit and don’t know how to write again. This post is not meant to be funny either. See guys, I’m tired, blogging is definitely not for me. No I am not under the influence..explains alot. Read the goddam post okay.
#TEDxLagos holds on Friday the 27th of September, 2013 at the Grand Ballroom of the Lagos Oriental Hotel, Victoria Island. The event will start from 10:00AM and round up by 7:00PM
The theme for the event is #INCLUSION and speakers from all works of life will come share ideas at TEDxLagos. Some of the speakers lined up include; Tunde Kelani, Tonye Cole, Kelechi Amadi, Eldee, Chef Fregz, Yewande Sadiku, Nkem Begho, Bobo Omotayo, Tope Sadiq, Tayo Oviosu, Kola Karim, Tannaz Bahnam, Azu Nwagbogu, Bilikiss Adebiyi-Abiola and more.
There will be live performances by Sony Music recording artiste, Somi as well as music from Timi Dakolo and Cobhams Asuquo.
You also stand a chance of winning give-aways from some of the sponsors of the event when you register to attend via this link; http://tedxlagos.net/tickets . These give-aways include; 2 return tickets to any Arik Air destination of your choice (Local or International), An all expense paid weekend at the all new Intercontinental Hotel, VI, A Nokia Lumia 1020 and many moreFollow @TheTEDxLagos on twitter for live updates from the event and like the Facebook page http://www.facebookcom/TEDXLAGOS if you wanna view the live stream.
Please share with family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and enemies.
Here are some video teasers for the event;
https://vimeo.com/75335075 – Tannaz Bahnam
https://vimeo.com/75369603 – Bunmi Otegbade
https://vimeo.com/75449720 – Uwa Agbonile
I was gonna start with “it’s been long since I put up anything on here” then I realized that has turned into a cliche. Welcome everybody to my semi-dead blog, I never write anything these days but hey, what’s my blogpost without a disclaimer?
Disclaimer:
This post was definitely written under the influence, even though I’m supposed to be on meds, my liver is just there screaming meanwhile the mutherfucka is on mute. All grammatical errors are mine, really dunt curr, English isn’t my first language… Well Lord Lugard or was it Mary Slessor that made it so….again, really don’t curr. All characters are purely fictional, no matter the canny semblance or what not. Not as if there is gonna be any character in the bloody post. This shit is all about me! Me! Me! And Me!!. Yes I can be vain sometimes, besides it’s a paznal blog. Just sit down and enjoy the bloody post and if it boring to you, guess our sense of humour are not on the same wavelength. Safe to say you are a fucking bore or more of a stiff. This post isn’t meant to be funny by the way. I really do not have anything to write about, so the post might come off boring, really don’t care still. All the same, thanks for reading this bloody disclaimer till this point, I shall now attempt to compose a post in this glorious state of mine.
So today I can finally claim to be in my late 20s, I’m not yet 30 as some of you fuckers think I am, even though my hairline is similar to that of a forty-year old man (blame it on hereditary -Grandpa’s carbon copy “Bless his soul”). This life can be described in so many ways, ranging from an empty crate of soft drink, to an expired pot of beans, I do not need science to explain this. If life was what I thought it would be, I would probably be married now to a trophy wife, with a kid, living in a house on Banana Island and all those stoffs. Instead I’m slaving for a start-up company I pray/hope to blow up this year, still a bachelor, living with a flat mate who is barely around.
So today, I decided to have drinks(coca cola, pepsi ati be be lo) with my friends after work, after careful considerations of the little or no dent it will do to my lean finances. I guessed I didn’t plan it well as drinks turned into dinner which was way over my budget. Thank God friends always carry spare cash, if not we for wash all the plates for the Chinese restaurant we ended up at. I wanna thank all my family, colleagues and friends that showed up, called, texted, tweeted, facebooked and my lovely sister KUNBI who had a cake delivered to my office…I mean I got all emosh and stoffs when I saw the cake (I know I’m gonna pay for that cake eventually)
This post seems like something that has no head or tail sef…lemme see if I can get straight to the point with this last paragraph. So I’m TwEnty-Yekpa and still freaking single! I am gonna use this opportunity to advertise myself and see if I can get a girlfriend (potential-wife-to-be). I will start with my stats: I am 5’7″, receeding hairline with a baby bump (death to six-packs) for the ladies to rub. I’m a hairy dude with a beard like that of a member of a popular terrorist sect in the Northern part of Nigeria. I am gainfully employed to a service delivery company whose salary pays my bills and leaves me with enough change to celebrate my birthday with family and friends (8months savings). I have a great sense of humour and I live for every moment, I do not like making plans, I could claim to be spontaneous.
What am I looking for? A pretty girl (who no like better thing) with a great sense of humour who is willing to start from the bottom with me *singing – started from the bottom now we here-*. Minimum height of 5’5″….if you like yo can be 6’… I don’t currr…it’s for the future of our kids yo. Abi you want our kids climbing ladder to come greet us good morning everyday till we chase em out? Please don’t have trust issues even though I reek an aura of promiscuity, I am actually very faithful when I know a girl really likes me. Safe to say I’m a sucker for love. My friends have accused me of making potential wives girlfriends. They even claim I chase girls of a certain blood genotype (AS) knowing fully well I can’t get married to them, considering I share the same b blood type. If you are AS, don’t even bother…unless you wanna acquire a plot of land in my friend-zone which my come with extra benefits (depending on you).
Ok I’m feeling sleepy already and I’m tired of typing on this goddam phone.
Happy birthday to me and a BIg AMEN to all the prayers that will follow. I pray to God for wisdom and understanding to be added to the small sense I have these days.
Thanks for stopping by, I’m sure I ain’t writing shit in a long time again and I’ll probably delete this post when I wake up or realise I put it up tomorrow.
Pizz hout!!!!
So I decided to be a guest on my friend’s blog TNC where I was asked to write a love letter as a secondary school kid, well I tried my best and this is what I came up with Will You Be My Val . You can read, share and comment here too.
LETTER #1: Will You Be My Val? (1/2)
by
****
Dearest Chioma,
This letter was collated and consolidated by my phanlanges as a directly proportional result of the exponential growth of my liver that thus inspired and uplifted me to pick up my pen just like my learned colleagues and thus to write words upon this parchment and address them to you not withstanding that I was compelled to have to been forced to typeset it in a beautiful font and therefore dictated it to Mufutau the business center man opposite the school gate to type and print it for you. I am hopeful that God willing and favor smiling upon me accordingly and lovingly, I will be able to summon the courage to approach you after you have set your diamond beautiful eyes to read this letter. The overwhelming and engulfing and supreme and overall truth is that I hope and pray you are in a great mood whenever you get this, if so… Doxology.
Why this miraculous and spontaneous and pulchritudinous thing happened is because Chioma, I must confess that I am in love with you. Your name is like a ray of sunshine in my life. You are my clear skies and umbrella after the storm, the saccharine in my tea, the apple of both my two eyes and to be perfectly forthrightly truthful, in fact if I were the owner of this computer you would have be the only icon on my desktop.
It’s been almost two years since I first laid my eyes on you, in Mr. Ajakaye’s maths class to be perfectly and accurately precise. From the very moment I saw you, my heart skipped a beat and started pounding faster than it normally does. You have been affecting my biology and chemistry and mathematics internally. I mean, even the almighty formula cannot explain how I felt whenever I saw you walk down the corridor in that your green pinafore. You always left me in a state of discombobulation. Now that we are in senior class, the pinafore is gone and your curves now properly accentuated by your skirt and blouse, my body does jigbijigbi whenever I see you. You are the perfect perfection of a perfect woman.
I can’t stop thinking about you. You see babe, normally, when I am feeling like this I just buy meatpie and Fanta and take and then say “I like You, Talk Your Own”. It has normally been working on all the girls in arts and commercial class, but in your case, you are special and I have to be powerfully meticulous in my approach to winning your heart because you are a very sophisticated girl.
Chioma, I love you and since Valentine’s Day is fast approaching I want to use this special opportunity to ask you to be my Val. Please tell me yes and make this boy the luckiest boy in the whole World Wide Web.
Chioma, my love for you is like American hot dog and burger in the summer time. Let me promise you something, angel. If you accept to be mine we will be together forever like white on rice. You and I will be like red on blood. Even though you do not currently have it, you have ownership of my mumu switch. My senior sister will soon come back from France and I have told her to buy you special perfume. You see, I will do anything for you. I know that even if I roam the entire middle earth, I won’t find another like you. Have you seen the movie, Titanic? What Jack did for Rose is nothing but a speck of dust compared to what I can do for you. I will buy you things from the E! channel, take you to places on national geographic, baby girl, we will even watch the sun set together at Ogombo beach.
If you agree for this our love to shine bright like a diamond, I will be the pampers to your abdulmutallab, I will never go off on you, even though you are the bomb. Your eyes shine at the shimmer of the moon. Your lips are as beautiful as a red rose. Your hair is so elegant and as beautiful as the sky. You yourself make my day when I am having a bad day. The rose represents your beauty. The moon represents your intelligence. You are as beautiful as the stars that light out every night. Every day I get to see you grow more beautiful. Every time I get close to you my stomach feels as if I have butterflies in my stomach. That is the feeling I have for you.
Please say yes and be my Val, I promise to make all the other girls in the school and this local government in general jealous of you. If you doubt my legitimacy, just ask about me at the local council, near the canteen. I am not a bad boy or heartbreaker or a liar or any other nefarious and notorious type of boy.
I look forward to your favorable response, my love and light. Till then I remain Iskilu “The Cool-Kid” from SS 1B.
Love and kisses
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
–
Kolawole ‘Isikilu’ Adeola
Class Prefect of SS1B
Phone: +234 803 0888 205 (business center)
Email: Coolskilu2009@yahoo.co.uk
Twitter: @CoolKid_Skilly
Disclaimer
This is purely a work of fiction as all characters are totally made up, the grammatical blunders however was due to my negligence.
I am back again, not that I went anywhere before, just been mad busy and ain’t nobody got time for no blog. I am not here to put up a funny post not as if my posts are usually funny, there won’t be any long disclaimers either, except all grammatical errors are mine and I apologize for not using spell check before putting this out.
I am sure you lot read my post on Efe’s blog chronicling my 2012, well one aspect of my work, the NGO just got bumped up and I’m even considering quitting my regular 9-5 to focus on this.
The project started off with one school in 2011 (Kuramo Primary School, VI) where we worked with 18 teachers for a period of 8 months every Saturday. The teachers reduced in number after training and evaluation of their soft skills and technical abilities, now we’re stuck with 8 dedicated teachers to run the project/clubhouse. At the clubhouse, the children are allowed to use the computers which ranges from the OLPC XO, the Intel’s CMPC and the Encipher tablets after school hours (between 2-4PM, Mondays through Fridays). The whole idea is to expose the children to screen-based technology, hence the variations of the computers available in the clubhouse.
In 2012 we moved to a school on the mainland (Lagos Mainland Local Government Primary School, Ebutte Meta) teacher training was for 6weeks and was completed towards the end of last year and we decided to start working with the children
The children naturally are faster learners than teachers, it’s no surprise that a handful of them picked up what we taught the teachers in six weeks in less than two weeks. We also discovered something really disturbing, 80% of the children we worked with can’t read. Debo gave them a simple task to write a sentence on what profession they want to take on when they became adults and only 5/30 students typed something meaningful. Almost all of them could not spell “want”, when they were eventually taught to spell it, they typed things like; “I want to be a soja” another typed “I wants to be a loya“. I’m sure you know what they meant, but for 10 – 14 year olds! *sigh*
This is quite appalling and really makes me sad, to think these children are in primary 5. These children are meant to be the future of Nigeria for gossake!.
Myself and the team (L4L) had a brainstorming session to find a way of improving this situation. The temporary solution is to start Saturday classes for these children to improve on their reading and writing skills as well as their phonics.
Three more schools are about to be added to the existing schools, bringing the total to five. We are pretty stretched on resources and would love young, energetic folks passionate about primary school education and wanna hook up with a fantastic team. If you’re interested in this cause, got ideas on how to improve the literacy of these children and want to volunteer by working with children as well as teachers, feel free to use the comment box to holla or send an email to tola@tvcng.com.
Will keep you posted and sorry for grammatical errors as this post was put together via a mobile device.
Hi Guys, been a minute since I put up anything on this blog…..blame it on work!…. I mean this Lagos Na WA!!!! No “Disclaimer Notice” today
To the crux of the matter, I’m a member of the team organizing the TEDx Victoria Island event “Yes I am that useful and you can check http://www.tedxvictoriaisland.org if you doubt it.”….they even put up a profile and picture of me in the team page for you doubting Thomas’ that think faffing around is my job. The event holds on Friday the 12th of October at the Federal Palace Hotel, Victoria Island. Starts at 10:00Am and ends at 10:00Pm. Don’t be afraid, you don’t have to be there for the whole 12hrs, you can come any time. Please refer your colleagues and friends you think might like to attend as well.
I have been tasked to raise awareness for this event, which is free, as it’s the maiden edition. So you guys be nice and register for a ticket if you haven’t on http://www.tedxvictoriaisland.org …Just click on the GREEN “TICKET” button on the site and fill the fields required. I take God beg una my job is on the line.
Feel free to use the comment section to ask me questions, give suggestions, chat shit some of you can’t help it. And I promise to put up blog posts regularly if you guys can get 500+ people to register 😀
For those of you who have questions, you can read the article below to have an idea of what TEDx is all about.
The post below was lifted from http://otekbits.com/2012/10/tedxvictoriaisland-comes-to-lagos-nigeria/
ARTICLE BELOW (-_-)
Published on October 3rd, 2012 | by Bankole Oluwafemi
0
Nigeria’s Biggest TED Event Comes To Victoria Island, Lagos
For those Nigerians who have come across it at one time or the other, I’d like to ask — how did you first hear aboutTED?
I imagine that most would answer that it was courtesy of Chimamanda Adichie’s resoundingly popular TED talk. She’s hardly the first Nigerian to deliver a talk via the globally acclaimed platform, having been preceded by Ngozi Okonjo Iweala and Chris Abani. But her speech, which has since racked up north of 3 million views and is on the list of the 20 most watched TED talks so far, is the most likely thing to pop into a Nigerian’s head whenever they are confronted with the concept of TED.
Delivered in 2009, Oxford England, that speech is the most familiar TED experience that most Nigerians have had. Up till now that is. Because this October, Nigeria’s biggest TED event is coming to Victoria Island, Lagos. According to the organisers –
TEDxVictoriaIsland is a local, independently organized event in Victoria Island, Lagos that strives to re-create the unique experience found at TED, where the world’s leading thinkers and doers congregate to share what they are most passionate about. The fundamental goal of TED and TEDxVictoriaIsland is to spread ideas and advance the discourse on innovation and creativity.
This not Nigeria’s first TED event either. TEDxIfe and TEDxIkoyi have both taken place in April and May respectively. The main difference however is that neither are as big as TEDxVictoriaIsland in terms of the sheer number of guests that will be admitted — while TEDxIkoyi was capped at 99 guests, TEDxVI is expected to host up to one thousand audience participants.
However, what is even more impressive than the size of the event is the size and calibre of the speaker line up. Numbering 22 at last count, the speaker panel for TEDxVictoriaIsland comprises a phenomenal sample of individuals who are making things happen and disrupting the status quo in Nigeria and Africa across multiple disciplines — business, media, technology, agriculture, health, entertainment and more.
One look at the speaker line up, and you just know that this is one event that you don’t want to be told about — it’s not like there are many events where you’ll get to see how a Nigerian techie built a high performance sports car in his backyard while BankyW is waiting in the wings, more likely rehearsing a speech, not a song.
Just in case some of the faces don’t ring a bell, I can tell you that Storm Records’ Obi Asika, Interswitch’s Mitchell Elegbe, Media and e-commerce mogul, Sim Shagaya, and corporate magnate, Kola Masha are just a few of the awe-inspiring people who’ll take the stage on that day. Together, their presentations will cut across four sub themes – rocking the future, feeding the future, reaching the future and teaching the future.
From my conversation with Femi Akinde, a global TED Fellow, as well the TEDxVI organising team arrowhead, I understand that apart from profound expositions from the speakers, we can also expect to witness the launch of several ground breaking technologies, game changing products and major initiatives from various individuals and entities that will exhibit at the event.
I confess, I’m one of those “last-carrying” Nigerians whose first TED talk was Chimamanda’s. Since I joined the cool kids in the TED mania however, I’ve gone on to become an avid TED talk collector and have downloaded all sorts of inspiring speeches across the whole gamut — revolutionary, reflective, random, and riveting. Despite being second-hand experiences (since I’ve never been to a real life TED event), all the TED talks I’ve watched have the same things in common. They all leave me more alert, more curious and more determined to do something that can change the world around me for the better.
I anticipate the same experience come Friday next week. Are you coming? The programme is scheduled for the 12th of October at the Federal Palace Hotel, Victoria Island, and is strictly a pre-registration event, so head on over to TEDxVictoriaIsland.org to book your tickets while they are still available. The event will also be streamed live via Google+.
About TED: TED is a nonprofit devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading. It started out (in 1984) as a conference bringing together people from three worlds: Technology, Entertainment, Design. Since then its scope has become ever broader.. the TEDx program is designed to give communities, organizations and individuals the opportunity to stimulate dialogue through TED-like experiences at the local level.
*Last carrying – being the last to become aware of something that is apparently notorious.
This post was lifted from http://otekbits.com/2012/10/tedxvictoriaisland-comes-to-lagos-nigeria/
Be nice and share.
Hello viewers, it’s your friendly neighbourhood drunkard nuisance SKILLA, I’m here again…2 posts in 2weeks….i’m on fire right? yimu. Not as if anyone missed me and shiii….no fan-mails, love letters, requests, invitations to set P treat and what not….shame on you all….. Just came here to see if this shit still works, unfortunately it does *sigh*. My inconsistency in posting on this blog is due to lack of alcohol inspiration. I mean i wanna post on a reg like my friendly neighbours at TNC and their not so popular cousins from Aba TSC but I can’t afford to employ so many writers unless they wanna work FOC.
Today I wanna start something new, I’m gonna review a random movie or have a guest blogger do this for me on a weekly basis. Who’s gonna guest blog for you Skilla? Before I go any further, below is my usual disclaimer notice.
DISCLAIMER NOTICE
Writing these disclaimers’ becoming to tedious, I just might resort to recycling them. That way you can’t accuse me of plagiarism as I can’t plagiarise my own shit. A nigga has to cover his ass from vicious cyber thugs/bullies/lawyers/agberos/voltrons /copyrights/copylefts and what not based on the nonsense spewed on here. All grammatical errors are due to the BOTTOCKS botox I recently had, thanks to Dr. 90210, so ignore such and use your church mind to decipher my intent whenever you notice any. The comments & opinions expressed herein are my own and NOT those of my employer, who, if he knew I was blogging and surfing porno sites with office internet,would cut off my gonads and feed them to me for afternoon tea. Copies of this post may be distributed at will since it is unlikely that I created this material independently as I have no creative skill. This post may link you to other sites on the Internet. These sites may contain information or material that some people may find inappropriate or offensive. These other sites are not under my control, and you acknowledge that I’m is not responsible for the accuracy. The inclusion of such a link does not imply endorsement of the site by me or any association with its operators. But honestly, I really don’t give a shit of what you think, as opinions are like ass holes, we are all entitled to one. This particular opinion/review is/are entirely not mine, but from a certain Mr. frm0025 on TPB. All insults/commendations should be directed at him if you can find him
Movie Review: Friend’s with Kids
Guys do not let your chick talk you into this terrible movie made by women for women. It’s the most predictable piece of garbage I’ve ever seen. Luckily my booty call girl acknowledged that, but what terrible chick flick isn’t horrible and predictable? It takes women’s negative look on relationships and pounds it in your face. Every insecurity a woman has is brought to light in every scene of this movie. It deals with women’s age and how men can get hot girls at almost any age and women get old and saggy after 30 which isn’t true but this movie will have your chick hot or not dreading life and looking at you like you’ve already cheated or are planning on leaving her ass as soon as she has a kid and that’s what the men do, they leave their miserable lives with kids and a home for better things.
The two main characters try to bypass this conundrum by having a kid even though they are just good friends with benefits. This ingenious plan works and works well untill the woman screws it up as usual and has a mid-life crisis and realizes that she has a family already. So she gets drunk and guilt trips the guy whose dating Megan Fox into leaving her for her old bag of bones and why? Why would anyone in their right senses leave Megan Fox oh because of the kid? that’s right. This movie sucks. I mean the guy had Megan fucking fox and he leaves her for the old maid Olorun maje (God Forbid) *tueh.The old maid being the writer director and producer of the film (explains the storyline *kmft*) so she could create this fantasy and nobody could say shit about it.
The other characters whose lives were miserable because they had kids, not like they had it real hard but because they each had one kid and this was so hard they lost their marriages. There’s a scene where the couple with one kid have the single people over for dinner and there’s this fake chaos where the family with one kid just apparently is living in chaos because they have one fucking kid. He is a little ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) shit that needs to slipped a roofie but I’m sorry one kid isn’t so crazy that your life is just ruined.
All I know is this movie will leave your chick miserable with herself. Even though the bag of bones got the young stud away from the goddess Megan fox it still left my booty call girlfriend just in tears practically and she’s 23 and smoking hot. She’s no the Megan fox well she’s close. All I know is that no man in his 20’s would leave Megan fox for a woman in her way late thirties or most likely in her early forties just because their dumbass experiment didn’t turn out the way the woman wanted. I fucking hated this movie and give it a big fat fuxking F! It sucks a huge huge cock, I mean Jupiter’s cock ain’t got shit on the cock this movie sucks.
Verdict: Ladies, only watch it if you want to kill yourself and your dreams.
P.S.
- Feel free to send in your own movie reviews, I’ll post on your behalf and totally give you all the credit 😉
- And if you want me to review a movie I’ve seen, drop it in the comment section.
- No, I don’t review Nollywood movies, guest bloggers can do that
Cheers to the freaking weekend!!!!
Skilla out!
Duzeez!
Hi viewers, it’s official, I am the laziest blogger of them all….I don’t need to ask no mirror on the gaddam wall to verify this. I doubt if i remember the last time I updated this blog.
So the good people at TNC asked me to write a post “for colored men”….which i started writing at some point but got carried away and never finished. Well i eventually finished after 2weeks of the finale and here’s my contribution.
DISCLAIMER
This post might seem disjointed as it was written by several ghost writers, the owner of this blog is not responsible for anything you read in this post. Any resemblance of characters dead, living, reincarnated, born again and what not is purely coincidental as this is a work of fiction. The ghost writers might have copied some contents of this post from somewhere, if you think this post was borne out of plagiarism, FUCK YOU! Your opinion(s) don’t matter. All grammatical errors should be directed to the ghost writers as i’m too lazy to even proof read the post, shit is damn long mehn. I wish I could go on with this disclaimer, but it will only make you lose interest in the post all together. This is where i stop typing this shit and say doxology….No?
FOR COLORED MEN – RAINBOW
Call me Joseph with my coat of many colors….
Black Magic’s “ Rainbow” playing in the background as I sang along to the tunes “I see the different colors of the rainbow, which one I go take o………”
I was having a drink at a new lounge I just discovered, called Mungo’s Park, thinking about my new life, I’m engaged. My fiancée was having her hen night so I decided to clear my head as my bachelor’s eve wasn’t till a week, when a bunch of ladies happen to strut in, looks like they’re having a hen night because they all have glowing bunny ears on….coincident? There I was thinking of which one of them I was gonna chat up when I recognise 1, 2, 3, 4….6 out of twenty something babes.
What is the universe turning into? Like the 6 degrees of separation is not enough??? Or did the movie “Ghost of Girlfriends Past” need a sequel? I had to be caught at a lounge by 6 girls I have had something to do with. “Jesus be my invisible cloak” I muttered under my breath. Wasn’t really bothered though, as I had a (not so) clean break up with each and every one of them. How they knew each other was a mystery, but hey…it was none of my business. The only thing all 6 of them had in common was their sex.
I have been insulted by family and friends for chasing anything in a skirt and I don’t have a particular spec of woman I chase. Dem no lie as there was the tall, the short, fat, slim, Asian, yellow, big ikebe, boobie of life, the slut, the saint, the leech, the Christian, the European, Muslim……….…….the list is endless I tell you and I really can’t justify my reasons for chasing any of them or attempting to get into their pata……maybe I’m just a spontaneous fellow….the criterion I used to settle down with my fiancée still eludes me. I find myself asking how I knew she was “The One™”.
I tried to get away from the lounge when one of the ladies spotted me,Yosola’s her name, now YOSOLA is what I call a 16 wheeler aka MUZAMBULA!!!!!, orobo toh bad!!!!. How did I meet her sef? A friend set me up on a blind date, what my friend told me was…Skilla, the babe is fine but there’s a downside sha… I asked him what, and even added, so far she get boobie or yansh, I am very okay. She was fat! But noooo, the idiot said “she’s a bit lush”, but my curiosity had the better part of me……..Got her phone number, exchanged a whole lot of calls, we hit it off immediately. I summoned courage one fateful Saturday and decided to go look for her with a bunch of friends. We got to her house only for a size 17 babe to open the gate and ask….WHO Is SKILLA? ……Everyone pointed at me….I was scared the moment she walked up to me and hugged me…..wanted to ditch her but the evil friends decided to be entertained…in fact she whipped up a feast for them while I stayed in her room to be used like a toy….I was defiled and felt betrayed, I had no issue with the former. After that day, I reduced the number of times I called her, not after getting defiled a couple more times by her. Then I totally stopped calling….she got the message.
We exchanged pleasantries and it all seemed cool till another one spotted me, Ruth, and like her name, she was a ‘Ruth’ (aboko ku). I met her in a club, tall, yellow skin, with a figure to die for. I was shocked when she decided to grant me audience as every Tom, Dick and Harry was all over her that night. We exchanged numbers and got talking on the regular, we decided to take it up a notch and bam!, we became a couple. Ruth was loyal, she was a ‘ride or die chick’. I mean this babe loved me more than I loved myself, she made sure she did everything I did, even picked up most of my bad habits. Then all of a sudden she started talking about the future and what not…number of kids, house we’re gonna buy, 5yr plan of our lives… I mean this babe wasn’t gainfully employed and me sef be streets….too early man. I bailed on her. Left her heartbroken…but hey, she’s married now with 2 kids.
Said hello to her then the 3rd lady joined in the fray as I wondered if the three ladies I was with knew I had something to do with each one of them….. Jules, my petite love of old. Jules came into my life when I was in the “soul searching -spiri-koko-years”….I was filled in the spirit churning out the scriptures like party packs in a kid’s birthday party. Jules was a freak, even though I met her in the house of the Lord, church..I mean we did everything besides penetration. A pastor friend had just told me about the grave consequences of having sex before marriage, blood covenant things. She broke up with me not too long after we started the relationship ( I still dey swear for that my friend because I never got to shine that kongo 😦 ).
Then the Animashaun sisters decided to come to the bar as they noticed some of their friends were busy talking to a hot dude (me). The sisters, Bose and Shade were identical twins. I met them at a friend’s wedding, got all chatty with them, exchanged contacts and kept in touch. I and Shade had hit it it off as she was the outgoing twin, Bose was the quiet and calculating one. Dated Shade for a while till the day I found out I had been screwing both of them (strikes off bucket list). How did I find out? Well I had a bout of marathon sex with one of them (don’t know which), left her with a blister on her thigh as a result . Only for me to go back th following day to find the thigh as smooth as a new born baby’s ass. I demanded an explanation, but I was accused of shagging her sister, apparently I have been shagging Bose most times thinking it was Shade. I still think it was a prank played by the twins (I’m not complaining).
I was like what the heck, let me walk to the last babe I recognised in the group, Chioma, Chioma was a definition of INEC (I Never Chop) Babe, This babe almost took me to the cleaners regarding my finances, at some point, i was fending for her whole family in Mbaise. I had to break up with her when she was becoming a liability. She was looking good on this night though, i bet she’s found some maga to take care of her astronomical bills. Said hello to her and was about to sort my bills before any form of drama broke out, not as if i was expecting anything to happen when the bride to be flanked by 2 of her friends stepped in, it was my beautiful Onyinye…..the universe just had to play with my destiny. As a bad sharp guy, i kissed my bride to be and stepped out without looking back. Only God knows what those ladies would have talked about in my absence.
My mistake was believing the night had no more surprises. As I made my way into the car park I heard Onyinye call out my name, it wasn’t the way she usually called me, there was something else in her voice, a hint of sarcasm. I turned around but I wasn’t happy with the sight that greeted me. The Hen night party had brought the party outside, or come out to meet me more like. Onyinye led the pack that suddenly approached me.
“You’re thinking why the coincidence right? Well this is where it ends..” Onyinye’s words were like shattered glass falling all over me, sharp pains all over my body.
I struggled to string words together “I don’t understand..”
Now Yosola had taken the lead, her heavy frame moved with such unnatural grace, I suspected it was some sort of victory strut. “Sure you do. You’ve just been played. Onyinye isn’t marrying you, not even in your dreams.” Her words were painfully clear and honest.
Who send me message biko?! How was I supposed to know all these ladies knew each other? Yellow, black, spiri coko, leech and smallie.. What kind of damn odds did the universe throw at me???
Onyinye threw her engagement ring at me. I was still in between shock and a mild heart attack when I felt the slight thump on my chest. “You’ll never toy with another woman’s heart again!”
The cost of the wedding!!! That was all I could think of.. I stretched out a hand to grab Onyinye but she was one step ahead of me. She swung her hand out of reach while I made another effort to grab her, instead, I glimpsed Ruth swing her heavy expensive purse towards me from the corner of my eye.
First colour I saw was white, others came with rapid clarity as I lay on the floor and the other ladies had a kick about around me. Head, shoulders, ribs, knee caps and ankles felt the sharp sting of heels, sandals and bags.
2 days after and I’m sitting upright in my hospital bed. My family members are still giving thanks to God that the muggers didn’t kill me even though they wished I didn’t put up such a fight if I was simply going to be mugged.
The nurse walks in to change my bandages and I flash her a smile. She’s pretty with a hot behind, tapping that would be a perfect pain relief placebo. Her reaction to my smile is not what I expect, its more of a horrific gasp.
She thought the nurse on the earlier shift was kidding when they told her the bruises on my face matched the various colours of the rainbow.
The End
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