Skilla Diaries – The Alcoholic Sessions III

It was a boring saturday evening, Faruk, the flat mate had his girlfriend Ijeoma over, there was no hope of us playing the xbox360 lying beneath the TV of the living room. He’s playing mummy and daddy with the love of his life, while I endure the screams of ecstasy coming from the room beside mine….The soundtrack alone got my konji hormones doing Windeck!, Junior even rose to the occasion…I had to satisfy him or get a drink to take my mind off the sudden urge of kpoxing

Stepped into the kitchen, hailed Morufu the house rat peeling one of the plantain I got from the market earlier. *That rat get liver sha*…. opened the refrigerator, to my dismay, there was no single bottle of alcohol available…Looked at Morufu, he shook his head, meaning he wasn’t responsible for the missing bottle of Udeme..*na God save that rat*… My best option was to head to Heartbreak Bar, where singles drown their sorrows in alcohol and hook up with random guys/girls for a moment/night of pleasure. This way I can get high as well as solve Junior’s Konji issues…killing two birds with a stone #Winning

The bar was barely packed when I got there, it was just me, Suraju the bartender who greeted me and gave me my usual…Udeme… while I scanned the joint for a potential damsel in distress.. The scene was dulling…15mins later, 2bottles gone, the ladies started coming in, one by one while I assessed them…too fat, too short, too thin, too razz…then I thought to myself..I should have a few more bottles…40minutes at the bar, 4bottles and counting, my thirst problem was solved but Junior refused to go down, he is a very hard guy when he makes up his mind every chick looked the same, I must have sworn I saw Amber Rose and Megan Good at the bar sef.

Then I spotted her at the corner of the bar nursing a huge bottle of Heineken, walked up to her in my semi-inebriated state. Introduced myself and asked if I could join her, she obliged. Her name was Ronke, she just found out her boyfriend was cheating on her, I gave her a shoulder to cry on…ordered another round of beer for both of us. By now I was on my 5th bottle….I was a total weist!… Asked if she wanted to come home with me, she agreed..Junior was grinning from cap to cap…he’s finally gonna get some action instead of lotion and lux soap.

We started kissing as soon as we got to my place…*even Morufu the rat dey hail me*…., Junior was rearing to go…after kissing me, she went down on Junior, kissing him passionately and slowly..I mean the babe was a pro…Junior wasn’t gonna budge after 5mins of her lips on him while I caressed her titties and explored her wet pussy with my left index finger and thumb….Junior wasn’t gonna succumb to just a BJ he was still as solid as Olumo Rock, he wanted a piece of the action…..I’m sure it was the beer that gave him extra confidence…

Ronke was dripping wet and was begging for it, Junior was throbbing and rearing to go into the new territory…it was magic…the rest was history as I was wasted and I have no recollection of what happened…only Junior knows as well as Ronke…all I was left with was gist from Faruk the following morning with a piece of paper with a phone number and note saying “we should do this again” which he said he got from a very huge *FAT* lady who left the house in the morning.

Shayo na bastard!

Disclaimer Notice

All Characters are purely fiction, in any event there’s a similarity to anyone both living, dead or zombie, it was just mere coincidence. If you don’t believe me, ask google….he knows all.

All grammatical blunders are mine…Thank you

Skilla Diaries – The Alcoholic Sessions II

I’ll start this post with two wise sayings from great drunkards like me *pops collar*

“Alcohol, if you’re seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector. It encourages me to be expansive, even reckless, while a lie detector is only a challenge to tell lies successfully.”

“If you wish to keep your affairs secret, say no to alcohol while with the missus.”

Alcohol has been the root of many of my broken relationships. Most of the girls I’ve dated know this “not so little secret” and they take full advantage of it….talk about betrayal of trust. The best solution to this little problem is to try my best to cut all forms of communication with anyone I’m seeing/dating/screwing/shagging/kpoxing…ati be be lo/etc when I know I’m gonna get inebriated.I’m not the chronic cheater but I do carry out Okafor’s law once in a while…I mean who doesn’t? Which brings up the story of how I lost my ex.So I was dating Ms. A who happens to be a virgin and Ms. B the ex who was a nympho and I still kept in touch but explained to her I was still in a relationship bla bla bla….Ms. B is also my drinking buddy so we tend to talk a lot of shit while we’re downing alcohol be it udeme or vodka.On this faithful day I was drinking with Ms. B and we planned on re-enacting the famous Okafor’s Law as we were both konjified and drunk as hell. Normally I would have switched off my phone but I didn’t. We were butt naked when my phone rang, Ms. B picked up and said I was busy…Ms. A insisted she wanted to talk to me, collected the phone and told her I was gbenshing as she wasn’t giving me any, even explained to her that her virginity no be lack of opportunity, it was true dignity and also commended her for that before dropping the phone and continued with my practical on Okafor’s Law.Sobered up the following day and tried to lie my way out and played the whole scenario out as a silly joke, even Ms. B tagged along but she wasn’t having any of it. Thus the end of that relationship…truly loved….scratch that, liked her sha….even thought she was THE ONE #NoJetLee.Ms. A is engaged to marry and Ms. B is happily married now with a kid….no more Okafor’s Law from that end…while I’m still enjoying bachelorhood and the joys of alcohol.The End “Opin Sinima”

Disclaimer Notice

All information in the post is purely fiction unless you are really close to me and a snitch as well, then feel free to cast me….if not, forever hold your piss and if u can’t, wear pampers.
All grammatical errors are to be blamed on the 4 bottles of BiG stout *sic* consumed during the cause of writing this post! And if you think you’re related to the queen unto english language, you can like to guzzle all the water in river Thames plix….DuzeezEez ya boy Sheriph

See u next time

Skilla Diaries – The Alcoholic Sessions I

I Make many silly gaffes in my drunken state….yes, my name is Sheriph and I’m an alcoholic and proud. Oh ye without a bad habit cast the first stone….kai that hurts!!

Moving on, I’ve come to realize that one of the disadvantages of alcohol is you never know when you’re having a great time or a shitty time… Here’s a short story on one of my misadventures in my drunken state.

The boys wanted to hang out, I’m like wurrahell, so I tagged along knowing I’m gonna get wasted and probably score a chic by the end of the night. Started with a couple of biggies at a bar not too far from mine before heading to the club all in the quest of getting a one_night_stand.

We switched from beer to vodka (drink of champions distilled in russia) while we scanned the whole club for potential. Spotted a few ladies seated not to far from us, before I could call dibs, men don share all the fine girls leaving two orobo ladies…I kuku did not mind as I no dey discriminate plus the alcohol made the size 16 mammies look like models from bay watch. Started dancing and grinding hard on the cuter orobo chic while whispering sweet nothings in her orobo ears…this brings up a disadvantage of alcohol cos it makes me mistake my words for thoughts and vice versa …..cos next thing I remember was stars and me waking up the next morning in my bed.
Apparently I was knocked the fuck out by this orobo cos I said some things to her I can’t remember. Long and short of the story, I didn’t get laid that night. This is not enough to stop my drinking habit sha.

Good thing I have something to blame for my black eye….Shayo na bastard

Disclaimer
This is purely fiction and if you believe its true, then you should believe when i tell you i’m Prince William’s Best man come the 29th of April, Prince Harry stepped down for me……Royal wedding Thingz.
All grammatical errors are mine and yes I can still blame it on the alcohol *sips alomo*

Duzeez!

Eez ya boy Sheriph

See u next time

>Skilla diaries

>Been eons since i posted anything in this binsh….don’t wanna believe i’ve been so busy i haven’t had time to bore u lot with my boring lifestyle, alcoholism and many other rubbish i put up on this blog. Maybe i’m having writer’s block….no be say i be writer sha…..i actualy do have a wordpress account i barely use too, that wan don suffer pass this blog……that might change soon as my very good friend The_Tools_Man wants me to be a guest blogger on his blog, that might just ginger me back to my old sef……can’t even come up with any corny disclaimer message…its that bad.

Life’s been the same ol shit, different shalanga and tamba water *fuck toilet rolls*….work Monday thru Thursday *Friday na 1/2 day for North, everyone na Muslim….my bear_bear hustas something even makes my case easier……of which i gas mark register for byob thursday nite…..and must resume with a hangover on friday…the Jumat service excuse covers this sha if u like tell my boss. I’m still an alcoholic, chronic womanizer and still exhibit all the bad traits your mama  warned you about…………..decadence and
debauchery filled things *evil grin*

I’m barely on twitter these days, dunno if its work, MTN taking the piss, nothing interesting to tweet about or the 17 girls who claim to be pregnant for me……i sha know its one of these sha…..love life is intact….i think i’m in love sef but i can’t write about it b4 one of the skilla17 think its about them……..with their baby mama drama…..by the way Angelina Jolie can like to adopt half a dozen of em, i’ll take 5……i think i’m high again cos this post makes absolutely no sense.

Health wise…..i’m still kissing the cancer sticks, i still drink like a fish, eat irregularly…most times late…..this explains why i’m up at this time…*smh* 4 myself……God help anyone who points out this blog to any of my parents dem dey form tech savvy sef …God will clog your arteries and give u a heart attack before you give my mother one…..Talking  of momsy…tomorrow is her born day, make una help me pray for the woman who carried me for 9months in her womb….as you do so, ur kids and kids will pray for you as well…..anyways….gotta go to bed…..work dey tomorrow bummer

P.S.
Actor no dey die, if u see gbagaun chest eet!