About Crocodile Tears against Indiscipline

Hi guys, don’t think I have posted here in years  no thanks to that popular micro-blogging site which allows you type shit under 140 characters. Didn’t have a nice title for the post …However, today I wanna share a story with you guys. A story too cool for 140 strokes of the keyboard. True story or fiction? You decide…

I usually hitch a ride with my flatmate to work. He drops me close to my office, so I walk the rest of the way or take a keke when I’m extremely lazy. On this day, I saw a colleague in traffic and decided to switch cars in the middle of traffic. We were at a traffic stop anyway so I decided to get down in the middle of the road, because many are mad but few are roaming.Yesterday I was part of the few that roamed.

I am still trying to figure out what came over me but I am sure it wasn’t the Holy Spirit because the Spirit comes with a gift of discernment. I did not discern anything o! I came out the vehicle like a conductor in pursuit of a fleeing passenger who hadn’t paid his gbese and ran across the traffic laden road. Did I mention there was a pedestrian bridge just above me? Mid race, I looked across the road and saw several KAI officers punishing some dude like…

I knew I don fuck up. I couldn’t run back cos the car that I dropped swiftly from had zoomed off. About 12,000 great officers of KAI (Kick Against Indiscipline) were waiting for me on the other side of the road like:

What do you do when you find yourself in a situation such as this? I knew I have entered my own today, so I decided to be a good Nigerian and admit to my offence and plead for forgiveness. So I crossed the road and walked into the loving arms of a KAI official I picked out because she was female and you know I felt I could appeal to her femininity and charm her with my swag and sturvs, seeing that the others were men with strong faces (1^st mistake). Little did I know that this woman was a THUG.

N.B: She is not injured. This is her real face. They call her One-eye Monsurah aka First Born One-eye Sunday

She shoved me into a mini prison with other traffic offenders looking like

and started counting the charges against me. The great officers of KAI, her other colleagues were observing the ensuing mêlée and didn’t interfere just yet. I just dey look am like, on top small express crossing o, I no kill anybody na.

1)

I begged in English. I pleaded to their humanity that I was a first time offender like: “Please, I appeal to your humanity. I am new to Lagos and didn’t realise that I had committed an offense until you beckoned upon me to bladibladibla. All fell on deaf ears…

2)

I switched to pidgin. “Abeg, I take God beg you, I just enter Lagos ma. Na interview I come do for here… I no get work, I no get money.  Na pessin drop me for there now I say make I cross enter danfo here ma. Plis, epp ma.” She said: “you better settle us hia or na court get you and dat na 3 months imprisonment. 35000 Naira or jail straight!” In my mind I was like for this small road???

From no where, was as if I got full control of the 9 tailed Yoruba beast in me. First thing I did was make a call to a friend, telling him I’ve missed (a phantom) interview and I am about to go to jail for crossing the road with no money in my pocket, he might not see me for the next three months (fine for not using the pedestrian bridge in lagos is N8,847 or 3 months jail term). Asked him to tell my family n Ogbomoso that I’m going to jail. That was part one of my act. Part 2….I started crying, putting in a few Yoruba phrases for good measure (aye mi ti ba je, temi ba mi, ta ni mo se, etc) fall out handkerchief from my pocket and acted out my best Nkiru Sylvanus crying move.

My people the thing worked like magic…I mean, no one wants to see a grown ass man crying with many bukata…..i got released after 3 minutes of wailing like I was a member of Bob Marley’s band and shedding crocodile tears

Guess who didn’t pay one kobo or go to jail?

 The end..

P.S. Ignore all grammatical errors

P.S.S…. I miss you guys, naaah. Just fucking with yall