pulse weekend

Haven’t written shit in a long while and the only reason I summoned up courage to write this is because all the networks are taking the piss as man no fit chat/browse/call….well I’m watching Formula 1…Monaco…safety car is being deployed for the 2nd time…wicked accident just occurred…by the way I’m support #TeamFerrari and Felipe Massa is already out……red flag….race over, like WTF!….Vettel wins again with Alonso coming 2nd, Button 3rd *sigh* stilled bummed out United lost to Barca last night…. E still dey pain.

Been emotionally unstable for the past couple of weeks but hey, no one wants to read all the mushy stuff I have to say, plus that shit just makes me look vulnerable…..we don’t want to fall my bad goiz status in blogsville.

Moving on, last night was Pulse @ play and believe me when I say everyone and their daddies attended…I literally mean that as there were a bunch of aristos looking for fresh fish to be devoured…unfortunately for my Susheyz, they didn’t tag along…ol boy bannies choke for play men….couldn’t find a suitable place to chill so me and my posse ended up in the white room. I really don’t like the white room as it limits ones promiscuousness……I mean your asewo level plummets to 2/10 that’s if you’re secretly macking on a bunch of chicks there.

I resorted to drinking…well this ups the asewo meter by +3 and if you mixed your alchy like I did “X0 + Vodka” we’re talking of a region of +5 and there’s a ready made excuse for this “Blame it on Alchi-Alchy-Alcohol”. Wish I could go into details on what happened at pulse but I’ll pass….ended up at Aqua….found my way home and had a little chit-chat with Morufu the pet rat…even got him some vodka to sip on…dude was wasted after two shots….anyhoo gotta go now. Hope I get my writing mojo back

Skilla Diaries – The Alcoholic Sessions IV

Had a rough day at work, what other way to unwind than to have a few bottles of  beer under the skies and avoid the bottles seeing the skies for too long. Hoped to hook up with a girl too, someone to transfer my aggro from work to.

I put on my designer skinny jalabia, looked at myself in the mirror, nodded and said to myself…Skilla o dun! (I’m too sweet) Headed to the bar, I need fresh, young blood…Suraju the rat hailed me on my way out even acknowledged my khaks…..Sat at my usual spot nursing and sipping on my udeme jejely and looking for potential fresh meat but I can’t find my specs, na so so lepa I dey see around… I thought to myself “awon omo isiyin won jeun ni?” (These children of nowadays don’t eat?)…then I had my 5th bottle of Udeme and spotted her….Oyinbo toh kwoliti (pretty caucasian)…. She was sipping on jedi jedi something wey get umbrella (cocktail) she wasn’t my specs…i like my babes a bit dark skinned…I didn’t mind, after all variety is the spice of life and Junior wasn’t complaining I approached her with the swag inherited from my father Alhaji Chief Doctor Bad Guyz…yes, my last name is Bad Guyz *straight face*…..u wan check my birth certificate ni?…..i sha brought my innit Game on, spraying all the fonee i sabi’d, mixing yankee and english things, might have even added a bit of french join….I toasted this babe ehn, if na bread, she for don burn…. she sha succumbed tomy many ramblings, her name was Michele, introduced myself as Larry…ordered more drinks, she was buzzing, one thing led to another, we started kissing…..the regulars at the bar gave me a queer look, I ignored and sang to them “a lowo ma ja ye eyin le mo” (Tula translate abeg)…I didn’t believe my luck, I was taking home an oyinbo lepa ……..

We got to my place in less than 10mins…Junior was rearing to go, got to the room and did everything in that indian text book, forgotten the name, sounds like kamoru sura or something….I was exhausted….woke up the following morning with a peck from my oyinbo lover calling me darling…turn around, what I saw gave me a heart attack, I screamed Lakuli…Afin ma ree! (OMG she’s an albino)

Disclaimer Notice
This post wasn’t written under the influence as the author been sober for the past few days. All resemblance to anyone living, dead, dead as in twitter DEAD or zombie is pure coincidence. All grammatical errors should be ignored. No albinos were harmed as at the time this post was being written. This could have been better if i had shots of  Tequila instead of the Methylated Spirit i mistook it for while writing this post. Anyone who comes across my Pet rat Morufu can kill it and i assure you PETA won’t come after you. That being said, feel free to share and leave a comment, maybe 2.

Duzeez!

P.S.

I miss alcohol *wailing in Swahili*